Red Journal Poems 

Now I Stand

“The ocean sways with thoughts of yesterday, it moves by a blink of an

eye. You said lets go, when I knew it was time for goodbye. You always 

went against the grain, choosing the path of conformity. You felt so alone,

pushing me to join, but I don’t belong, I will be alright over here.”

My 2:00 am

“I’m asking you to leave because, do you know what it’s like

to dream a dream worth re-living? You want it to be real, you tighten your

eyes, shutting the door to reality, not wanting to wake up. You tell

yourself it’s your life, this is you, who you always wanted to become.

Please don’t take it away, I don’t feel pain this way. It’s the only time

those feelings disappear. It doesn’t last long, so please, please don’t take

my 2:00am away.”

Handmade Watercolor Cards 

I’ve been making Encouragement cards, with water colors & oil pastels. The ones below are all watercolor with some acrylic paint as accents. The painting is done for these, still need to add sayings to some of them. The clothes-pins are just for the purpose of taking the photos. Going to make some ‘Thank you’ and ‘Just because’ cards soon.

#1

#2 Front View

#2 Back View

#3 Front View

#3 Back View

#4 Front View

#4 Back View

#5

#6 Front View

#6 Back View

#7

Looking back with a smile

I laid awake last night listening to the drops of rain outside my window, and the rumbles of thunder shaking the ground. As I laid there, you entered my thoughts, I remembered a particular night similar to this, we had the screen door open, letting that sweet smell of rain in, listening to the drops hit the concrete. We cuddled watching a movie, and munched on our favorite candy, orchard flavored skittles. I miss your laugh, your sweet smile, and our late night conversations filled with giggles. More than anything I miss my best friend, that’s been the hardest, you became my partner in crime.

I’m glad I can remember the good times, and look back with a smile. I think of you less & less each day, hurting less when I think of how things ended, and the pain we both caused each other. I will always care about you, and hold a special place for you in my heart, I pray for you, I only want you to be happy. I cherish the times we had. Even though you think because I ended things, those memories and feelings no longer mean anything, they do. You will always be the first one I said those three delicate little words to. I’m grateful for our love, and don’t regret anything, because it taught me a lot, hopefully for both of us. It didn’t end in the way we thought when we first started dating, but it ended for the best.

Photography: Comfort behind the lens

When I lived in California I would go to Del Mar beach as much as I could, with my camera in tow. I was taking a photography class so I finally had an excuse for taking so many pictures. Being behind the camera has always made me feel safe, I remember feeling lost, restless, confused and just walking along the beach thinking. The fresh air and the sound of the crashing waves calmed me, I felt a sense of peace near the ocean. I let my camera lead the way, following whatever caught my fancy. I often walked near the train tracks taking pictures from up above the beach. It may sound unusual but the sound of trains/coasters relaxed me, a sense of distraction from my thoughts.

I found beauty, and joy in everyday surroundings. A coaster may not be much to some people, but to others it signifies hope, hope in a new day, a fresh start, hope of meeting new people, hope of a better day when they reach their destinations.

Photography gives me a feeling of hope, focus, contentment. The world around me seems less scary through my lens.

I would spend hours at the beach staring off into the vast ocean in awe of God’s beautiful creation. I loved the reflection of the sun glistening on the warm sand, as the waves crashed over the various colored stones washed ashore. Looking back at these photos it makes me appreciate the small things, the joy i found watching the birds leave their little prints in the sand as they wandered the beach. the simple satisfaction of watching the waves continuously swoosh back and forth for hours.

A gorgeous sunset over the pristine blue ocean. I remember my exact feelings of loneliness, and not knowing my place in the world. Life passing me by, as I stood still. In a moment it all shifted, with a change in perspective, and a press of a round black button the world stopped. Those insecurities disappeared in that moment.

Red Journal: Decisions influenced by fear

  

  

I never thought I would get past the words written in this journal. Words driven by fear, anxiousness, emptiness, confusion, and countless tears pouring out onto the crisp white pages. I wrestled with the fear of being alone, and doubting my existence. My mind dripped with despair, my heart literally ached. The only way to feel some relief was writing out my thoughts, and praying. I constantly wrote about what I wanted, characteristics I desired in the allusive perfect man, and where I wanted to be in life. The only problem was, I was just writing my concerns, fears down, I wasn’t giving them to God, and actively seeking Him.

Why is being alone such a huge fear in young women? It was a question I often wrestled with, and it may not be true for every woman of course, but how often do we make decisions influenced by our fears? Fears of being alone, fears of failure, fears of rejection? Fear of (add your own here)

A few of my past fears:
Forgetting who I am.
Settling for less than I deserve.
Not being good enough.
Staying still, never feeling alive.

If I had realized that being alone isn’t a bad thing, it’s okay to not be in a relationship or have a man in your life. Just because you don’t have someone constantly reminding you of your beauty or accomplishments, it doesn’t mean you aren’t worthy. We are worthy in the eyes of God. I was in a relationship a few years ago with someone out of the fear of being alone, but also the fear of being left with my feelings. My feelings of regret, emptiness, shame, if I was with someone who made me laugh, and told me how beautiful I was, maybe those feelings would go away? How dumb was I to think that?? I was stuck in a rut of looking for temporary happiness, I was attracted to receiving shallow attention.  I needed internal growth, I didn’t need to grow from experiences of bad relationships, and wrong decisions. Although I certainly have, but I needed to turn to God during those experiences, seeking Him with my brokenness, not covering up my wounds with more dramatic relationship problems.

Photography: Multiple Interpretations

  
One of my favorite photographs I took a few years ago when my Canon Rebel XSI was brand new. I like looking back at the photo, and guessing this man’s journey. Was he taking a stroll on the beach contemplating life? Missing a loved one? Was he sad dwelling on past memories? Was he lonely?Was he longing for something or someone? Or maybe he was simply just out taking a walk, enjoying the beautiful day. I love photographing people in their natural state, not posed or staged, just free to be exactly who they are in that moment.

Love Without Hesitation

Your smile brought me constant comfort, you had the ability to make me laugh so uncontrollably I’d snort, then we laugh together because I snorted, and then snort again because we laughed. You taught me to think more with my heart, and to love without hesitation. Showing me what it’s really like to be loved before and after the guard is down. When your eyes locked into mine, the world around us ceased to exist, your love for me was bold, unafraid yet gentle. You often uttered the three most precious words that every woman desires to hear, yet you didn’t need to. The way you stood up for me, always had my back, the way your eyes softened in my direction, every action spoke louder than those delicate eight letter words ever could. 

Doubting your love never crossed my mind, I felt secure knowing I would be forever Loved. You were everything I thought I needed, and desired. My darkest thought, every shameful occurence, drunken regret, times of emptiness were all accepted in your eyes. It didn’t matter if I spoke in hostility, or acted on impulse, nothing would ever cause your love to run out. We were there for each other, through the pain you felt remembering your close friend’s struggle, and demise of addiction. I watched as the tears streamed down your soft cheeks, as your heart became completely exposed. The moment I realized how privileged I was to witness this side of you, and to comfort you through it.

Your embrace was the epitome of feeling secure, cherished, and truly vulnerable. You wiped away mascara filled tears, the salty streaks of black running down my pale skin, as I laid on my kitchen floor completely unravelled. You had a way of calming me down when my flare for the dramatics took hold, all the right words left your supple lips, even your long repetitive jokes triggered a smile. You knew every good, and awful thing about me, loving me anyways. You radiated with sheer confidence of a future of exchanging vows, embarking on new adventures, enduring every hurdle that would come our way. How were you so sure, how did you know I was the one? It broke my heart knowing that I couldn’t give you that kind of assurance. You told me how you knew you would never love someone again the way you loved me. Why couldn’t I feel the same way? I loved you, but I guess sometimes love isn’t enough. Or maybe it is, but maybe it wasn’t the right kind of love? Maybe I need to seek God’s love, and fully accept His love before I can truly give and accept love from within a relationship.