Everything’s Not Lost

I recently stumbled across a poem (ish) that I wrote in my first year of college. I’ve been missing English class, and having writing assignments. Feel free to honestly let me know what you think.

Cold, blood running through veins like water through a pipe,

As still as night, I thought of the good days to try and wipe the tears away,

Blind at first sight, I kissed that life goodbye with not a single gripe,

Why remember the mistakes of my past? Why go down a path of pain?

When I want to look forward to a new day,

The old me held questions, why trust what I can’t see,

Why run to someone I have never run to before?

I didn’t know what was real, couldn’t tell black from white,

I looked left, fell right, you said hold on tight, instead you left my sight;

I had the keys but couldn’t find the door, didn’t know where to turn,

I lost my way why didn’t you erase my pain that night?

I sat and stared through the day, alone, cold, blind in my room;

Sitting, waiting, fighting the knowledge of truth,

After almost a year, what once used to be a heart covered in holes,

Now beats for love, a willing heart, realizing you never left, I had to ask for help,

I had to be ready to let go of my control, you never forced me,

Heart is now open to embracing what comes, and to running to the unknown,

For the unknown awaits with love, and a warm embrace, it’s not too late, my heart will be okay,

Yesterday was fueled by doubt, unanswered questions, and desperation,

Today is filled with hope, redemption, comfort, feeling of contentment, and a journey of healing.

  
All pictures are taken by me. Oregon 2009

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Red journal entry

My journal entry from a few years ago.

“I feel alone, lost, and confused. I’m weak in these moments, I need the one I can rely on, look to for courage, someone who makes the judgmental thoughts disappear only bringing love. The type of love that will make the birds swoon, the oceans roar, and leave my heart content. I want to lend a hand without thinking twice, be there for someone when they need it the most. I want to push away the attention from myself, and let the serving of others bring me joy. I want to feel an unexplainable happiness, letting it show. I want to break out of my cage of sadness, self-loathing, and live life to the fullest, sending love.”

I’ve always needed God, but I didn’t always have an open heart. God’s love is enough, it’s all I need right now. Have an open heart, my friends.

  
 Pictures I took in Canon Beach, Oregon about six years ago.

The red journal

I found an old journal of mine during my move recently, it’s been quite entertaining reading my thoughts on love and relationships over the years. I know I don’t know a whole lot about relationships, but I’ve certainly learned valuable lessons, that I hope to never repeat. Hopefully by sharing these, some people can relate and take comfort in knowing we aren’t alone, we all go through trials that make us stronger. It’s almost embarrassing how much time I wasted on guys who didn’t deserve a second of my time. Have you ever been in that situation, where you look back embarrassed that you put so much effort into someone that clearly wasn’t right for you?

One of my journal entries:

“A boy who doesn’t respect me, doesn’t deserve me, I can do better. I had fun, but I think I had to force myself, if you’re not feeling it at first, you cannot force the situation. I think I’ve just been lonely, I liked what I felt with him, knowing I was wanted, and he made me feel pretty. I have to remind myself to stop putting my self worth in the hands of a boy. I need to love myself on my own before I can let someone love me, otherwise how do I know the right reasons for being with someone? Will I ever find the right one? Will I ever open my heart? Will I meet someone worth the effort of a relationship again?”

I spent so much time worrying about the wrong guy wondering why it didn’t devolp further, but why did I care so much. I’m too emotional to a fault sometimes, I should have just moved on quicker when I knew it wasn’t right. Have you ever let the fear of being alone keep you in the wrong relationship? I was relying on myself, thinking I knew best, but what I know now, is that I knew nothing. This particular guy that I was pouring my emotions into was hung up on his ex, because she was still his best friend, he didn’t want to get back together with her but didn’t want to lose her from his life. He never fully let me in, but he expected me to be all the things he wanted, and needed. He made me feel I was never good enough, he judged me for drinking occasionally with my friends, that I didn’t go to church, he constantly compared me, and said I wasn’t Christian enough for him. He didn’t encourage me to be better he brought to light the ways I would never measure up. I tried changing myself for him, I let his opinions get to me, he messed with my head. My mistake was changing for a guy, he never encouraged me to pursue God, he just made it seem like I was in a different dimension than him. He was one of the most confused people I have ever met, he thought he was the greatest Christian guy, but he was forgetting that we are all human, sinful people in need of God’s grace. He never should have made me feel inferior, but I never should have given him the time to.