Red Journal Poems 

Now I Stand

“The ocean sways with thoughts of yesterday, it moves by a blink of an

eye. You said lets go, when I knew it was time for goodbye. You always 

went against the grain, choosing the path of conformity. You felt so alone,

pushing me to join, but I don’t belong, I will be alright over here.”

My 2:00 am

“I’m asking you to leave because, do you know what it’s like

to dream a dream worth re-living? You want it to be real, you tighten your

eyes, shutting the door to reality, not wanting to wake up. You tell

yourself it’s your life, this is you, who you always wanted to become.

Please don’t take it away, I don’t feel pain this way. It’s the only time

those feelings disappear. It doesn’t last long, so please, please don’t take

my 2:00am away.”

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Red Journal: Decisions influenced by fear

  

  

I never thought I would get past the words written in this journal. Words driven by fear, anxiousness, emptiness, confusion, and countless tears pouring out onto the crisp white pages. I wrestled with the fear of being alone, and doubting my existence. My mind dripped with despair, my heart literally ached. The only way to feel some relief was writing out my thoughts, and praying. I constantly wrote about what I wanted, characteristics I desired in the allusive perfect man, and where I wanted to be in life. The only problem was, I was just writing my concerns, fears down, I wasn’t giving them to God, and actively seeking Him.

Why is being alone such a huge fear in young women? It was a question I often wrestled with, and it may not be true for every woman of course, but how often do we make decisions influenced by our fears? Fears of being alone, fears of failure, fears of rejection? Fear of (add your own here)

A few of my past fears:
Forgetting who I am.
Settling for less than I deserve.
Not being good enough.
Staying still, never feeling alive.

If I had realized that being alone isn’t a bad thing, it’s okay to not be in a relationship or have a man in your life. Just because you don’t have someone constantly reminding you of your beauty or accomplishments, it doesn’t mean you aren’t worthy. We are worthy in the eyes of God. I was in a relationship a few years ago with someone out of the fear of being alone, but also the fear of being left with my feelings. My feelings of regret, emptiness, shame, if I was with someone who made me laugh, and told me how beautiful I was, maybe those feelings would go away? How dumb was I to think that?? I was stuck in a rut of looking for temporary happiness, I was attracted to receiving shallow attention.  I needed internal growth, I didn’t need to grow from experiences of bad relationships, and wrong decisions. Although I certainly have, but I needed to turn to God during those experiences, seeking Him with my brokenness, not covering up my wounds with more dramatic relationship problems.

Love Without Hesitation

Your smile brought me constant comfort, you had the ability to make me laugh so uncontrollably I’d snort, then we laugh together because I snorted, and then snort again because we laughed. You taught me to think more with my heart, and to love without hesitation. Showing me what it’s really like to be loved before and after the guard is down. When your eyes locked into mine, the world around us ceased to exist, your love for me was bold, unafraid yet gentle. You often uttered the three most precious words that every woman desires to hear, yet you didn’t need to. The way you stood up for me, always had my back, the way your eyes softened in my direction, every action spoke louder than those delicate eight letter words ever could. 

Doubting your love never crossed my mind, I felt secure knowing I would be forever Loved. You were everything I thought I needed, and desired. My darkest thought, every shameful occurence, drunken regret, times of emptiness were all accepted in your eyes. It didn’t matter if I spoke in hostility, or acted on impulse, nothing would ever cause your love to run out. We were there for each other, through the pain you felt remembering your close friend’s struggle, and demise of addiction. I watched as the tears streamed down your soft cheeks, as your heart became completely exposed. The moment I realized how privileged I was to witness this side of you, and to comfort you through it.

Your embrace was the epitome of feeling secure, cherished, and truly vulnerable. You wiped away mascara filled tears, the salty streaks of black running down my pale skin, as I laid on my kitchen floor completely unravelled. You had a way of calming me down when my flare for the dramatics took hold, all the right words left your supple lips, even your long repetitive jokes triggered a smile. You knew every good, and awful thing about me, loving me anyways. You radiated with sheer confidence of a future of exchanging vows, embarking on new adventures, enduring every hurdle that would come our way. How were you so sure, how did you know I was the one? It broke my heart knowing that I couldn’t give you that kind of assurance. You told me how you knew you would never love someone again the way you loved me. Why couldn’t I feel the same way? I loved you, but I guess sometimes love isn’t enough. Or maybe it is, but maybe it wasn’t the right kind of love? Maybe I need to seek God’s love, and fully accept His love before I can truly give and accept love from within a relationship. 

                                                       

 

Everything’s Not Lost

I recently stumbled across a poem (ish) that I wrote in my first year of college. I’ve been missing English class, and having writing assignments. Feel free to honestly let me know what you think.

Cold, blood running through veins like water through a pipe,

As still as night, I thought of the good days to try and wipe the tears away,

Blind at first sight, I kissed that life goodbye with not a single gripe,

Why remember the mistakes of my past? Why go down a path of pain?

When I want to look forward to a new day,

The old me held questions, why trust what I can’t see,

Why run to someone I have never run to before?

I didn’t know what was real, couldn’t tell black from white,

I looked left, fell right, you said hold on tight, instead you left my sight;

I had the keys but couldn’t find the door, didn’t know where to turn,

I lost my way why didn’t you erase my pain that night?

I sat and stared through the day, alone, cold, blind in my room;

Sitting, waiting, fighting the knowledge of truth,

After almost a year, what once used to be a heart covered in holes,

Now beats for love, a willing heart, realizing you never left, I had to ask for help,

I had to be ready to let go of my control, you never forced me,

Heart is now open to embracing what comes, and to running to the unknown,

For the unknown awaits with love, and a warm embrace, it’s not too late, my heart will be okay,

Yesterday was fueled by doubt, unanswered questions, and desperation,

Today is filled with hope, redemption, comfort, feeling of contentment, and a journey of healing.

  
All pictures are taken by me. Oregon 2009

Red journal entry

My journal entry from a few years ago.

“I feel alone, lost, and confused. I’m weak in these moments, I need the one I can rely on, look to for courage, someone who makes the judgmental thoughts disappear only bringing love. The type of love that will make the birds swoon, the oceans roar, and leave my heart content. I want to lend a hand without thinking twice, be there for someone when they need it the most. I want to push away the attention from myself, and let the serving of others bring me joy. I want to feel an unexplainable happiness, letting it show. I want to break out of my cage of sadness, self-loathing, and live life to the fullest, sending love.”

I’ve always needed God, but I didn’t always have an open heart. God’s love is enough, it’s all I need right now. Have an open heart, my friends.

  
 Pictures I took in Canon Beach, Oregon about six years ago.

Stay strong and beautiful

  
Just a little encouragement to start your week. I came across this tank top at a store called Basement Marketplace, it inspired me to write. How often have you looked in the mirror, and thought “I feel ugly, I have pimples on my nose, my hair is frizzy, and I have love handles from all that ice cream, and laffy taffy?” Okay, maybe you haven’t thought that exact thing, but I sure did this weekend. Sometimes I wish there were less mirrors in the world, think how much happier everyone would be, if they didn’t have to constantly keep up with outward appearances. I’ve always felt so much happier and content with myself when I don’t look in the mirror, when I’m doing something to make others happy. Being less focused on myself, and focused on more important things.

We all are different shapes, colors, and sizes, but does that make anyone less beautiful than someone else? No, we are all beautifully, and uniquely created if people tell you otherwise, than they aren’t people worth surrounding yourself with. It’s about accepting your differences, and everyone else’s, and seeing the beauty in all of it. When you have a moment doubting yourself or feeling “ugly” try skipping the mirror, go lend a hand, step out of your comfort zone, and you’ll be amazed at how it feels. Knowing it doesn’t matter what you wear or if you have pimples on your nose, nobody notices, because we all have our own insecurities, and struggles. We need to take our negative opinions, and insecure thoughts, putting that energy towards making someone smile or laugh, turning the negative into a positive.

Last week my best friend, and I volunteered at church cleaning the campus for the new school year. She, and I had some last minute hesitations, because we didn’t feel like cleaning. I was feeling bloated, and crampy, and would rather have watched movies on the couch. Once we got there, and were put to work we forgot all about ourselves, our attitudes immediately changed. It was refreshing to be apart of a community with a group of others working to better the environment for kids at school. I was sitting on the ground in the 90 degree weather scrapping gum off the sidewalks, and it didn’t matter that my makeup was melting off my face, my armpits started sweating, and getting smelly. (okay, that part did bother me a bit) It was knowing that we were apart of something so much more than us, helping others regardless if you are comfortable or not.

I was able to meet new people I wouldn’t normally have a chance to meet. We can stay strong, and beautiful the minute we stop thinking of ourselves so much, putting our strengths to use helping others in need, sharing our stories, and encouraging one another. It’s easy to let the negative thoughts, and the insecure moments of body shaming control our every thought, but we are stronger than that. I dare you to try going a day without makeup or without looking in the mirror, and lend a helping hand to someone. Whether it be big or small, for a stranger or a friend, step outside yourself and make a difference. Help remind someone that they too are strong, and beautiful just by being themselves.

Saying goodbye to my first rental house.

  
A few days ago, I was in my studio, now empty as the day I rented it. Up and down the ladder patching holes, polishing the wood floors, dripping in sweat. (won’t miss the evap) I took a second to decompress and soak up the last few moments of my first place. I had been so busy being overwhelmed by stress and anxiousness, I was forgetting to be thankful. It has it’s flaws like any house from the 30’s. As does everything, and everyone.  Life hasn’t gone the way I thought, the year has been full of questionable choices, self doubt, disappointment, and ended with my eyes being opened. Through all the bumps in the road, I would never trade my year in this house. I learned so much, about life, what it takes to care for an old structure, loving others, and most importantly about the one who loved me first. This house in particular taught me, that I never ever want to rent from a management company, ever again! That is a whole other story.

Discovering I am not as strong on my own, as I thought I was, realizing I have created a pattern of running from God. Learning I haven’t done anything to glorify Him or deserve His love. Yet it is by God’s mercy and grace, I can reevaluate my choices with new eyes, make some adjustments, and make the biggest choice of all, choosing to trust in Him. Some things are just a detour in our journey that we need to take, before the start of so much more.

In the eyes of others, I don’t have much, I quit a job, turned down another, broke up with my boyfriend, moved out of my studio, and temporarily back into my parents house. Trust me I have relentlessly beaten myself up (figuratively of course) about the direction I am going. How could there be good in any of that? After lots of crying, anxiety attacks, moments of stillness, endless praying, I’ve come to the conclusion… I am not good at making the right decisions or being in control of my life. That’s because I shouldn’t be in control, I’m not supposed to be living life to please myself or satisfy my flesh. I had numerous opportunities to be a light in this world, but I chose to let darkness overcome me. There were times I was so unhappy, but I was in denial as to what was causing it. I felt as though I was too far gone. I had my chance with God when I was at my Christian high school, then my year at the Christian college, how could he possibly take me back after all these years of running, and hiding??

I’ve been pouring into the word for comfort, lately, and I’ve been feeling so convicted. I had been overcome with so much shame in my life, feeling worthless, and wallowing for far too long. I know none of that is from God, it was the lies of sin telling me “it’s too late for God to take you back, you’ve strayed too far, just keep committing the same sins, this is who you are now.” I kept believing those lies! I was finding my self worth in others, and of worldly things. I kept wondering why I was so unsatisified and had endless moments of emptiness, and continually searching, I was searching for the wrong things. My eyes weren’t opened until God started tugging on my heart. I was at a job that was literally sucking the life out of me, and making me a miserable person, in a relationship that I thought was what I wanted, and needed. It’s going to be a long journey of accepting my past decisions, taking responsibility for my choices, truly learning from all of this, and moving forward. Progression over perfection. 

Titus 3:3-7

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